1. “Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.”

 2. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

 3. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

 4. “I’m a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.”

 5. “I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.”

 6. “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.”

 7. “When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that? No tosser, I paid ten quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.”

 8. “I get claustrophobic easily and I don’t get why aeroplane toilets don’t f***ing have windows. I mean it’s not as if anyone can f***ing see in. Unless of course you are the most determined pervert in the world.”

 9. “My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.”

 10.“Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.”

 11. “Why do people say ‘Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?”

 12. “When people say ‘life is short’. What the f***? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does! What can you do that’s longer?”

 13. “I know a Scottish guy who loved his wife so much that he told her he loved her one day.”

 14. “I’ve got Parkinson’s disease. I wish he’d f***ing kept it.”

 15. “So have you heard about the oyster who went to a club and pulled a mussel?”

 16. “My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.”

 17. “A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a mustache!’”

 18. “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”

 19. “People who ask, ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?”

 20. “Old MacDonald was dyslexic, I E I E O.”

 21. “I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra… I’m never likely to go there.”

 22. “Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!”

 23. “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”

 24. “A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***.”

 25. “I saw the whole thing on the news in New York and I thought I’d need an ambulance. I’ve never laughed liked it. F***ing eejits.”

26. “I used to be a folk singer but I was dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.”

27. “Why on earth do people say things like ‘my eyes aren’t what they used to be.’ So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?”

28. “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”

29. “I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a Rottweiler chase you home.”

30. “People were saying there’s not enough food and too many people. Cannibalism is the obvious answer.”

 31. “I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.”

 32. “People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?”

 33. “Oh wellies they are wonderful, Oh wellies they are swell, Cause they keep out the water, And they keep in the smell.”

 34. “Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs.”

35. “When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”

 36. “What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

 37. “A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*****d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'”

38. “You’ve made a happy man, very old.”

 39. “Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'”

40. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?”

41. “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”

 42 “A fart is just your arse applauding.”

 43. “There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

 44. “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.”

 45. “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

46. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

47. “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”

48. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

 49. Billy Connolly on… Morphine Suppositories “You’ll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades.”

 50. “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

 51. “Scotland. It’s a beautiful place. The water is almost turquoise. It looks like the Caribbean. You soon realise it’s not the Caribbean when the water touches your scrotum and you go for the high jump record.”

 52. “All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”

 53. “When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.”

 54. “When they put teeth in your mouth, they spoiled a perfectly good bum.”

 55. “A bird in the hand invariably s**ts on your wrist.”

56. “I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a

snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.”

57. “Ally MacLeod (then Scotland football manager) thinks tactics are a new kind of mint.”

 58. “When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?”

 59.  “You know what I want to see just once: a suicide bomber instructor. ‘Right lads, pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once.’”

 60. “A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people for example. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.”

 61. “I was brought up as a catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.”

 62. “For years I thought the club’s name was Partick Thistle Nil.”

 63. “I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.”

 64. “That man, he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television!”

65. “Shut up, do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?”

 66. “I once traveled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly.”

 67. “Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.”

 68. “I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright nooooooooow.”

69. “Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

70. “In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.”

 71. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.”

 72. “Never trust people who’ve only got one f***ing book!”

 73. “Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.”

 74. “When you’re involved in an accident, why does someone always ask ‘are you alright?’ ‘Yes, fine thanks.’ I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.”

 75. “And then there was my mate who’d just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. “It’s the best in the world”, he said. “What type is it?”, I asked and he said “ten past twelve.””

 76. “Chic Murray once told me, he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, ‘Did you fall?’ He said, ‘No, I’m trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”

 77. “”F*** off.” It’s such a lovely pair of words! And it’s international. I don’t care where you are – if somebody’s f***in’ with your bags in Lhasa Airport in Tibet and he’s got a shaven head and saffron clothes on and you say “hey, f*** off!”, he knows EXACTLY what you mean.”

 78. “Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.”