| The Funny Farm |
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Dear Readers, Firefighter Brothers and Sisters world wide are renowned for their sense of humour. They see, hear, and on occasions get involved in some crazy incidents so the Bugler dedicates this section to them. This Chapter is named ‘The Funny Farm’ to reflect the antics of some of the clowns who are currently in charge of Fred Karnos Lancashire FRS… To provide a smile, a chuckle, or a laugh to lighten the daily burden, but not to hurt or insult the innocent is the objective. The guilty, well they are fair game and will, if the cap fits, wear it… All contributions are welcome(swearing and crudity, best avoided) and because the Bugler is Irish do not hesitate; it is a mighty Nation of Citizens who can laugh at themselves…and to others… your contributions are also timeless…keep them coming…particularly my chums in OK! The Bugler salutes in particular disabled FSV-J.Hogan one of the Band of Brothers dedicated to ‘ungluing’ of the LFRS and setting standards of decency for Lancashire Freemasons of which he was a proud Member who has stayed the course through thick and thin and sadly some serious illnesses, but still he trenched on… Sadly the Bugler now records that his old friend and fighting comrade… Senior Divisional Officer James (Jimmy) Hogan He was a decent man… Requiescant in Pace. |
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Subject: If I die first? Now that they are retired, a husband and wife were discussing all “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mum. After some thought, Mum said that she’d probably look for a Then Mum asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?” He replied, “Probably the same thing.” ************************* A man says to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says: “We should have told you yesterday.” ************************* My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick. ************************* My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.” ************************* Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says: ‘Is that Dublin 22 33 22?’ Paddy says,:’No it’s Dublin 223 322!’ The caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says: ‘Oh it’s all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!’ ************************* My wife went into the butchers and said: “You’ve a sheep’s head in your window.” The butcher said: “That’s a mirror.” ************************* Dear Son, I hope you are having fun in Australia. I am sending you three socks as your telegram said you’ve grown another foot. ************************* Ambulance Control in Blackpool Man with foreign accent rings in and says he is hurt and thinks he might be bleeding… Where are you bleeding from?….Poland! ************************* There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches… ************************* A man says to his mate: “My wife is a twin.” His mate says, “How do you tell them apart?” The man says: “Her brother has a beard.” ************************* An Irishman man turns to the guy next to him who’s covered in bandages from head to toe and asks “What happened?”. “I fell through a glass window,” explains the man. The first man says: “Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.” ************************* A Matelot(sailor) was flying out of London Heathrow for New York on leave, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. ************************* Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio. “Hello. Is that you Sarge?” “Yes?” “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No Sarge. The floor is still wet. *************************
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially “Sorry,” said the Genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.” “OK, then, I want to live until a Labour government balances the “You crafty begger,” said the Genie. ************************* Scottish First Minister ************************* OLD people have problems that you haven’t An 85-year-old man was requested by his The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?’ ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open!! ************************* Hi Buddy, The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it? ************************* A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle spouting off about how lazy the British are, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. This old Geordie man mutters… “Ay! Way back man… I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.” The German trucker snorted and said… “Oh Yeah….what rig were you driving?” The old fella replied… “A LANCASTER BOMBER!!!” ************************* A girl asks her doctor, “Doctor, I’ve forgotten to take my contradictory pill!” The doctor says: “Are you ignorant?” The girl says: “Yes, three months!” ************************* I said to the waitress, “There’s a fly swimming in my soup.” She said: “You’ve got too much soup – he should only be able to paddle.” ************************* I went to an old people’s home. I asked an old lady with a Zimmer frame. “Do you know who I am?” She replied, “Ask the Matron, she’ll tell you.” ************************* What’s the difference between a terrorist and your wife? You can negotiate with a terrorist. ************************* Woman: “I can’t go out with you Frank, I’m a lesbian. ” Frank: “Oh really? What part of Lesbia are you from?” ************************* My Irish chum told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p. ************************* An Irishman saw me with my Thermos flask and asked me what it was for. “It keeps food hot but it can also keep food cold,” I said. The next day I saw him with one and asked what was in it. “Soup and ice cream,” he said. ************************* Irishman wrote home to his wife, I’m staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets, – took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed. ************************* The UK Government have given homeless immigrants bus passes. How will they know where to get off? ************************* I’m really worried about my girlfriend’s morals … she has NEXT written on her knickers. ************************* A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and the publican said: “No dogs allowed”. He said: “You allow guide dogs.” The publican said: “Yes but they are either Alsatian or Labradors.” He said, “Ah s***, what have they given me?” ************************* A fella said to me: “Your mother-in-law has just died, do you want her embalmed, buried or cremated?” I said: “Take no chances, give her the lot.” ************************* I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: “It takes four hours.” I asked why and he said: “It keeps turning off the gas.” ************************* I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: “We are two hours late Mr O’Leary.” When I asked why, she said: “The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn’t like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can’t hear it.” ************************* An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: “What have you brought?” He said: “I brought a pair of knickers.” They asked: “What has that got to do with Christmas?” He said “They’re Carol’s.” ************************* I was at a cash dispenser the other day and a man and wife were in front of me and he punched her. I went over and said: “You villain, how dare you punch a lady, why you should only punch men.” I can’t remember anything after that. ************************* I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens. ************************* Pat walked into a shop and asked, “How much are your eggs?” The guy said “£1.40 a dozen”. He then asked: “How much are your cracked ones?” “He said: “35p”. He said: “Crack us four dozen.” ************************* A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts fiddling with his fly. “Oh dear,” she says, “Not the breathalyser again.” ************************* My son in Australia asked me to send him money. I told him I couldn’t as I’d already sealed the envelope. ************************* An Irishman was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce, and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself. ************************* Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’ Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the beer mate?’ Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff. ************************* The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do….Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?” “Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!” ************************* Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. “Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,”Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” The nun fainted……….. ************************* My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well. All throughout dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response. ************************* A Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window . John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window and turned the wheel, but it never touched or harmed him. Shortly after, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… And wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing the student sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…. Look Paddy….there’s that feaking eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!’ ************************* Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble? “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come round.” ************************* A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. ‘What was that for?’ he asked. ‘That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied. ‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, ‘ he explained. ‘Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’ Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’ ‘Your horse phoned! ************************* The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: I have some good news and, I have some bad news. The tycoon replies: I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first. The lawyer says: Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million. The tycoon replies enthusiastically: Well done, very good news indeed! You have just made my day; what’s the bad news?
The lawyer answers: The pictures are of you screwing your secretary ************************* You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are Then along comes someone and blows it all to hell! An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’ ************************* I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached these plump dumplings and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?” One of them angrily screeched, “From Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!” So I apologised and in a slip of the tongue I replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?” And that’s the last thing I remember. ************************* A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled, “I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip – and I want to know who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the room called out … “You’ll need more ammo!” ************************* A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice. “Hi, I’m so glad you called……. Really?…..That’s wonderful……I’m so happy for you….That sounds terrific…..Great!…… Thanks……Okay…… Byeeeeeeee”. She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?”. “Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you ! “ ************************* An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ’til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot! One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump; he began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on & on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, & then nod his head in agreement; But when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute; then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. But always shook his head & disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: ‘Well, the women would come up & say something about how nice my wife looked; ‘Or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement;’ ‘They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’ ************************* Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. cause I still have mine.’ ‘Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’ ‘Well, she’s there’. ************************* A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store in the USA. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the “Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.” ************************* The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I am leaving forever! “Ah, now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation…she never got your email ! ************************* A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘€39.00.’ The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*’ ************************* A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’ I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’ With age comes wisdom. ************************* Mujibar was trying to get into the UK legally through Immigration.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter the UK .’ Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’ The officer said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.’ Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister Officer, I am ready.’ The Officer said, ‘Good, go ahead.’ Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes; ‘green, green,…….. green, green………..green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.” Mujibar now works at British Telecom. You’ve probably spoken to him. ************************* The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron’s health care proposals for the National Health Service. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up.” The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn’t swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….” The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the rectums in Whitehall. ************************* An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …… The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here! ************************* Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she Ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.” Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over ….women like that are hard to find.” ************************* The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face, and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now, in her 80’s, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married ************************* The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quick bout of love ************************* The Last Kiss Back on January 9th, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear ‘sensitive’, George also didn’t want to miss this ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either so he asked…”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… Why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. ************************* Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says: “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other woman responds proudly: “Yes, I sure am!” The first one says: “So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?” The other woman answers: “I’m from Dublin, I am.” The first one responds: “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other woman says: “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.” The first one says: “Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?” The other woman answers: “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..” The first one gets really excited and says: “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other woman answers: “Well, now, let’s see, I graduated in 1964.” The first woman exclaims: “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!” About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters: “It’s going to be a long night tonight.” Michael asks: “Why do you say that, Brian?” Brian answers: “The Murphy twins are pissed again.” ************************* A fire fighter was working on the engine outsie the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the fire fighter said with admiration.. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.. ‘Little partner,’ the fire fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ************************* Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.” “Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.” With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork. “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’t forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!” With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: “Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!” “Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?” “Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees… Ees… Ees… Ees… Ees… Ees… Ees… a ham bush!” ************************* A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. ‘What’s up?’ she asks… ‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ – cries the husband… The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialling, her four-year-old son comes up And says, “Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on” The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. ‘You rotten Bitch’, she screams. ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!’ ************************* I haven’t verified this on the Internet, but it sounds about right…. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it… ************************* A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘€39.00.’ The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00. ************************* Washington State has passed two laws: 1. legalized gay marriage 2. legalized marijuana The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” It appears that we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before now. ************************* Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words: “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!” ************************* An Emergency Call Centre worker, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: “Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response. ************************* TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE Twin sisters in an Irish Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”dear. “WE GOTTA SIT OVER DERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other. “Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEESE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus the camera,” said the photographer. Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!” With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, “OH LORDY! BOTH OF US???? — CAN I BE FIRST???” ************************* Poor Tyrone None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me mad, Tyrone”. One day Tyrone ‘s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone, working as a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner! You thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon? ************************* Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. ************************* It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. ‘Fishing,’ replied the old man. ‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught today’? “You’re the seventh.” ************************* One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly ignorant to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years. ************************* Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave! Howya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.” “No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League.We share lanes with them.” A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!” ************************* Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Trydixagain. ************************* 100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro(Benefits!). ************************* An Irishman has stormed into a Benefits office in Rochdale complaining he had been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. ‘Why don’t you answer the feckin phone’ he exclaimed to one of the staff members, who replied, ‘those are our opening times’. ************************* Oxfam claim that just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don’t let your heart rule your head. Morrisons SuperMarket in Manchester are selling 4 Stella Artois Beer for £2-99! ************************* Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Southport Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.” ************************* Eric Pickles (Former Minister renowned for being obese) was seen leaving a gym in Essex. When interviewed he remarked “I was invited to check out a new machine they have installed. I only used it for an hour then I started feeling sick. It’s great though. It does everything – Mars Bars, Yorkies, Snickers, KitKats, Crisps, the lot.” ************************* A recent survey has posed the question ‘Are there too many immigrants in Britain?’ 17% of respondents said yes; 11% said No and 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.” Prince Harry has announced that he doesn’t want the usual fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a monkies, he’s going anyway… ************************* The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops…. … although they do make me look a bit gay… ************************* A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing ************************* A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and ************************* A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. He said, “Hello.” ‘Hi,’ replied the little girl. ‘Where are you going?’ asked the little boy. ‘I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way to my aunties,’ answered the little girl. ‘I’m also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?’ asked the little boy. ‘I go to the Catholic church down the road,’ replied the little girl. ‘What about you? ‘ ‘I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,’ replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. ‘If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom’s going to skin me alive,’ said the little girl. ‘My Mom’ll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,’ replied the little boy. ‘I’ll tell you what I think I’ll do,’ said the little girl. ‘I’m gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.’ ‘That’s a good idea,’replied the little boy. ‘I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.’ So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: ‘You know, I never realized before just how much Difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!’ ************************* Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a ************************* A Couple in their nineties are both having problems ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the ‘Where’s my toast?’ ************************* An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and ************************* Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being ************************* The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!” ************************* An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked Holding the bucket up he said,’I’m here to feed the alligator…’ ************************* Blonds are best – Two Blondes With Hammers… Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘
Did you hear about the two blondes
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
A blonde was shopping at Target & The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing…..I’m going to buy it!’ Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot & cold things Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’ The blond replied…….
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’ The blonde replies, The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. ‘What’s so bad now? Are you going to be okay?’ he asks. ‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘My Dad used to say “always fight fire with fire”, which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.’ *** Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, ‘Does he taste funny to you? *** “I don’t want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they’re anything like the ones I send out I don’t want to know!” *** Oliver Hardy: ‘Didn’t you once tell me that you had an uncle?’ Stan Laurel: ‘Sure, I’ve got an uncle. Why?’ *** ‘One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.’ *** “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” *** A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? *** ‘I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.’ *** ‘I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.’ *** ‘I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.’ *** The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’ *** ‘A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.’ *** ‘I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m so indebted to her for.’ *** ‘My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!’ *** ‘God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.’ *** ‘The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.’ *** ‘Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.’ *** ‘When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.’ *** ‘First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.’ *** ‘You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.’ *** ‘She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.’ *** ‘A man with a stammer walks into a chemist’s and says, “Can I have a bar of soap, please?” The chemist says, “Do you want it scented?” And the man says, “No, I’ll take it with me now”.’ *** ‘Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’ *** ‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When? *** ‘Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, “Boy, the food at this place is just terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah I know. And such small portions.” *** I said to my father: “Dad, I want to get married.” *** “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?” *** ‘My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.’ *** A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.’ *** ‘I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître‘d said to me, ‘Can I check your umbrella?’ *** ‘Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel’ *** Francois: ‘Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?’Clouseau: ‘The exploding kind.’ *** “The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’” *** ‘I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?” *** ‘Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn’t tried nailing jelly to a tree.’ *** “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day” *** ‘I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.’ *** ‘I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.’ *** ‘You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained… I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction… I can get all that at home.’ ************************* Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter in flight, 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . …. . . . ************************* The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her t bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee….”Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. ************************* The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!” Then she said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said… “That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive ************************* Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,”Hot Dogs, get your dogs here,” and they both “Two dogs, please!,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush,and then, after staring “What part did you get?” ************************* A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the crap out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?” ************************* A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store in the USA. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the “Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.” ************************* 63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this ************************* I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? ************************* During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there.” ************************* Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils could on his It was not pulling the boots off any easier than it was putting ’em on. Then he announced “These are not my boots.” She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why did not you say so?” Like she wanted to.Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his Little feet. No Sooner HAD they got the boots off When he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mum made me wear em. ” Now she did not know if she should laugh or cry. Purposefully she mustered up what grace and courage, she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots. “ She will be eligible for parole in three years. ************************* A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno’s house.” The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.” Don’t you just love Lawyers? ************************* A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.” ************************* A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. The girl replied in a Loud Voice, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table The man responded in a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?!.. I’M All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock! *************************
Two Woodpeckers This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeccable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: ************************* Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow.” ************************* A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.” Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !” Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough ?” ************************* A daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, |
